so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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