apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
