Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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