We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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