'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
