I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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