Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
