4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
