Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
