4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
