I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
