I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
