They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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