I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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