My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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