we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
