Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
