She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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