There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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