Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
