I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
