my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
