Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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