Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
