I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
