your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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