youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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