I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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