I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
