highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
