Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
