I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
