mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
