I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need to calm my uterus...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
