the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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