i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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