tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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