I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
