even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
