I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My vagina just clenched in fear
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
