Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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