Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
