I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
