I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
