Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
