I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
