i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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