Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
