Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
