You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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